Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
