At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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