I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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