What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
