I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
