My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize