The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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