hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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