mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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