I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
