i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
