New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
