I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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