great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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