It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
