i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
