i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
