I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
