So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize