i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize