I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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