Umm I'm too high to move.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize