I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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