he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Randomize
