She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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