ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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