the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
