I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I smell like Dick and happiness
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