WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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