it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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