At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
