You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Dignity is for republicans.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
