i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
