They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
