Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
