I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize