Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
