This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
