I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
