I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
