I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
