so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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