I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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