my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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