He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
