An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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