All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
