I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
