he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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