I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
