I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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