I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize