Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
