I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
