Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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