just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I want to be your penis for a week.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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