im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
