I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
