Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
