My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Still dying that you shit outside
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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