At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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