Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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